Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Y’all know who you are.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers