The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
#math
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.