You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.