at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
They’re the worst 😩
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.