How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Admin smashed it 😂
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Peace was never an option
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: