Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Never ghost your hitman.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!