If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’d use my best pan on you.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.