My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You Might Also Like
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Can’t. Being lazy.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Every house has this drawer
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief