Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kids: Stay in school.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy