Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
The three genders
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels