my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.