My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Customer is always right
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach