Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.