I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber