Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Tier 3 meme
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today