me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.