GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.