Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You Might Also Like
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
groan^2
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.