*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.