Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
what’s really going on
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?