I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
bears
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Coffee is ready.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.