ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Mouse
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.