Cat is stressing him out.
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Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu