[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
still the best tweet of the year by far
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.