if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.