My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You Might Also Like
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
✌🏽
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Bill is short for Billiam
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.