I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
#Caturday
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
A roof is a house hat.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color