*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
ibopfufen
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
listen closely
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Why is everyone getting married at me
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth