I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Barbie gone wild
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.