[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Lmfaoooooo
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.