I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…