Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You Might Also Like
Geez man, take it easy.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”