“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
You Might Also Like
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies