Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.