I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
the Monday after daylight savings
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.