me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
A French press is when you hug naked
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.