[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
scenes of unspeakable carnage
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
listen closely
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay