“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.