Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.