Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.