Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok