This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You Might Also Like
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I put the hot in psychotic.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Natty or not?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost