11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Meow
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here