I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
#Caturday
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I can also cook 😂
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
honestly, i need both:
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.