If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!