Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday