My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
This hospital has everything
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
A game married people play.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.