I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”