You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You Might Also Like
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
He-man has a Masters degree
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.