Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
How do you like your Corgi?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.